JOY: I just googled ‘Celebrity Boners and Gaffes’ -
HZ: No, no — no Jenny! Delete all the cookies!
JOY:There is a seemingly endless list of articles from mostly BuzzFeed, In Touch, some other websites and news outlets. Here are some sample article titles: "Celebrities who've had erections during sex scenes". "31 celebrity bulges that went hard in 2015". "The 21 most important celebrity bulges of all time". "Boner alert! Nine celebrities who have had boners in public". "Boner alert! Make America bulge again".
HZ: Argh.
JOY: "13 celebrity dudes who aren't afraid to show off their goods". I've googled it, so you don't have to.
HZ: Thanks, Jenny.
JOY: Ugh. You're welcome.
HZ: How do you know I hadn't already? (I hadn't.) So no gaffes, just boners?
JOY: No gaffes, just boners.
HZ: Gaffes are less popular than boners, I guess.
VERONICA on phone: Have you had dinner?
DUNCAN: No, I'm tired of room service. [Opens door: it’s Veronica, holding up a bag of food.]
VERONICA: Then may I suggest dim sum, and then some?
JOY: Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. Ew. OK, I'm going to say this, and then I need to go get some Listerine. "Dim sum and then some"?
HZ: It gets worse. It gets worse, Jenny.
DUNCAN: What if we start the evening with ‘and then some’ and work our way back to the dim sum?
VERONICA: It's officially under consideration. May I ask you something first?
DUNCAN: Yes to costumes, no to props. Does that cover it?
JOY: Helennnnn!
HZ: Veronica does have a lot of costumes, but her props are bugs and tasers. So I can understand why he didn't want to use those.
JOY: Yeah, I guess. I guess that makes sense.
HZ: Then Veronica ruins the dim sum and then some, or the then some and then dim sum that Duncan's angling for, by saying, "Why didn't you tell me how often you'd been visiting Meg since the accident?" And it's hard to carry on the sexy chat after that kind of line.
JOY: Yeah. It's not great.
HZ: She's really done the roleplay badly there.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: “I'm roleplaying as one of the Manning parents.”
JOY: Ugh. Sick.
HZ: I have two other reasons that I think account for Veronica's hostility. One is: I think she senses that Jackie is a sexperson. She has already said in the previous episode that she hasn't dated a high school guy since eighth grade. She makes reference to actors she's been out with. She's a sexperson. But I think the true reason she dislikes Jackie is because Jackie also wears tiny jackets.
JOY: Tiny jacket competition. They have to have a tiny jacket-off.
HZ: Who's got the tiniest jacket? And also, Jackie's name is so close to ‘jacket’.
JOY: Wow. Yes. Also really regretting saying 'tiny jacket-off'.
HZ: It's interesting seeing Tessa Thompson in this, given that her career is now stellar.
JOY: Yeah, another person who was in Veronica Mars who is now incredibly successful.
HZ: And I'm happy for her; she's very charismatic, I think, on screen even in this but I feel like she's done a bit of a disservice with the character in this. I think they're not quite sure who Jackie is, because they have just piled all of the styles on her at once. She's wearing elements of five very different outfits at most times.
JOY: She's like a girl group. But like all five of them at a time. Sporty, Ginger, Scary, Baby -
HZ: And Belts.
JOY: Do you think that in this context, pantsing refers to just Butters's pants coming down or him getting fully exposed?
HZ: I'm trying to remember what we would have called it in England; it would have had a different name; pants would definitely unambiguously be undergarments in British English.
JOY: Oh right, so you'd be like, "Oh, he got troused" or something. Sorry if I've offended anyone.
HZ: When you've pantsed people in the past, Jenny, which I'm sure actually I'm sure you've never done because you're a kind person.
JOY: Honestly, I'm not a pantser, but Jess pantses me on the daily.
HZ: She romantically pantses you? And when she does it, is it overpants and underpants?
JOY: Just overpants, and then an impish scurrying away.
HZ: So we should clarify: Jess is your girlfriend.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: She's not your high school bully.
JOY: Or a ghost.
HZ: It was funny to me how watching it before, just the only things that stuck were kind of the long arcs and the emotional relationships between like Veronica and Keith, and Wallace and stuff. None of the mysteries of the week stuck. And I also didn't really notice some of the things where you're like "hmm" now that I'm watching it multiple times and taking copious notes on it for a podcast.
JOY: I didn't watch it until right before we started making this podcast. I watched the whole series.
HZ: Not even suspecting what was about to crash into your life?
JOY: Having no idea what kind of havoc was about to be brought down upon me, Helen.
HZ: Veronica's not avoiding Logan today.
JOY: No, even though she's supposed to be I think steering clear from him she can't resist going in for a little no-costume undercover work pretending to still be into it so that she can see what he has to say for himself.
HZ: Yeah, right. We know that she's shitting him, for some reason.
JOY: I'm sorry - "shitting him"?
HZ: Yeah, do you not say that in America?
JOY: Oh, like like she's like lying to them or playing him or something? Like "you gotta be shitting me."
HZ: Right. Exactly. She's shittting him. But he doesn't know he's being shat.
JOY: See, this really starts to fall apart once you start conjugating.
HZ: Does it? You knew what I meant! He is beshat.
HZ: In Vegas, Keith's guest Cheyenne arrives wearing a black dress with charm chains draped over the shoulders. Keith's hotel is quite beige and drab, and also, the TV is angled so you can't watch it in bed. What the fuck? What piece of shit hotel would do this to you? What is the point?
JOY: Yeah, that is cruel and unusual punishment.
HZ: Keith's still kind of in caring dad mode, asking Cheyenne if she's hungry.
KEITH: Are you hungry or anything?
CHEYENNE: I think not having to buy me dinner first is kind of the point. Why don’t you come sit over here with me and relax, okay?
KEITH: Well, maybe we could go sit out on the balcony.
CHEYENNE: You’re still gonna be married on the balcony. Now. I want you to tell me exactly what you want. That one thing you can never get the little woman to do. And we’ll start there.
KEITH: Actually, I’d like to start by talking about Abel Koontz.
HZ: Wow, Keith, that is one hell of a kink. Bet she doesn't get that request often.
JOY: “The little woman just won't discuss Abel Koontz and the Lilly Kane murder with me the way I'd like.”
HZ: In the background of the Echolls living room, there's a cabinet containing many framed photos of Aaron. We're used to that from the set dressing, but also a bunch of awards, including two Oscars.
JOY: Damn, I missed that. What do you think those are for?
HZ: I don't know, because I thought they'd built up Aaron to be quite a shit actor, just doing these crappy action films and sequels.
JOY: I was wondering if - when they they said that when Veronica later says that she got caught making out by the star of Breaking Point and Breaking Point 2, I was wondering if that was supposed to be a Point Break reference, if Aaron was supposed to be a Patrick Swayze type.
HZ: Maybe one of the awards is for Dance Dirty and Dance Dirty 2 then.
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JOY: Logan is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
HZ: Yeah, although you do assume that the chocolates will be brownish green and a bit out of date. What what? But still delicious. Delicious, but bad for you.
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HZ: Veronica visits the website killemall. Jenny, please describe what you see, because we watched the episode together and she screamed for minutes upon sight of this thing.
JR: Tell me all about it.
JOY: Oh my god, it's like a ticking countdown clock, and I think there's like a demonic laugh that happens right when the page loads and it's like, “Hahahahaha," it's counting down. I also think there's like a some kind of demonic visage somewhere on the page. It’s like “Something demonic is gonna happen in 48 hours and 15 minutes and 22 seconds, suckers.”
JR: It's great. It's great stuff. Beautiful design, I love the red, it really pops.
JOY: It really pops.
JR: Love that font, it is like borderline Papyrus, I think.
JOY: Like evil Papyrus.
JR: Yeah, Demonic Papyrus.
HZ: I used that on my wedding invitations.
JOY: Helen! Helen!! Veronica - Veronica cracks open her… was this the laptop that she specifically only uses for her personal Lilly Kane murder investigation, with her Lilly Kane murder investigation desktop wallpaper?
HZ: That would explain why she uses the school computers for things that really should be done in private rather than a busy classroom. There's big yellow letters across the top of the screen that say “Lilly Kane murder investigation." Which, you would think she would call it something else.
JOY: Yeah, taxes, you know, what do people call porn folders on their computer? Something that will make someone who sees it over your shoulder be like, “Oh, boring. Gotta go." But no, it's ‘Lilly Kane murder investigation’, and then there are folders all over the desktop, clearly labelled each of the Kanes, Eli ‘Weevil' Navarro, etc, etc. I was watching this episode, and I had to screenshot this desktop situation. And I sent it to Helen, who immediately responded - because the photo is from prom, that fateful, almost Skinny Dip night when Lilly was really stoked about going braless - and Helen said, “I too like to remember my dead loved ones at their most busty."
HZ: It's what they would have wanted.
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HZ: In Wallace's locker, there's a gift - an offering!
JOY: A spirit box! Do you guys have spirit boxes in the UK?
HZ: Of course not, sports players are privileged enough.
JOY: Do you guys have spirit of any kind in the UK?
HZ: We have spirits, as in the booze kind.
JOY: Ah yes, now that's a box I'd like to receive in my locker.
HZ: It’d probably get you into trouble, Jenny. This box is is green with yellow frills and it's got a big green frog in it and “Go Wallace, we love you, you rock” somewhere involved. And in it there's a load of snickerdoodles. Which is not a cookie we have in Britain either. Is it worth bothering with?
JOY: I mean, I love a snickerdoodle - I'm an equal opportunity employer of cookies.
HZ: That's very thoughtful.
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HZ: Meg has got a secret admirer. She's narrowed it down to two guys. Someone sweet but moony called Martin, or someone called Caz who's flirty, but he would flirt with a trashcan if it had boobs.
JOY: Trying to picture a trash can with boobs. Hang on one second.
HZ: Pretty sexy.
JOY: Okay, please go on. I'm ready.
HZ: But Meg needs to find out who, because it could be her soulmate - there's a lot of soulmate chat this episode.
JOY: Meg, you're 16, you barely even have a soul let alone its mate. Her soul is still baking!
HZ: You're basically a trash can with boobs!
HZ: I don't like this episode very much, Jenny.
JOY: Man, agree - hard agree. This is difficult, but unfortunately I guess we have to talk about it anyway.
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HZ: At school Veronica is at the lunch tables questioning Yolanda's friend Gabrielle who's just talking, talking, talking, talking. And I love how Veronica says in voiceover some stuff that really illustrates the daddy-daughter dynamic chez Mars.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: One thing about an ex-cop for a dad is that some boring Sunday when you’ve seen all the reruns, he might kill time describing, for instance, how to tell if someone’s lying in an interrogation. Take Yolanda’s friend Gabrielle here: the indirect eye contact, the smile that doesn’t crinkle the eyes.
HZ: It's so useful. I wish I'd had such a useful dad. He probably could have told me how to like cut down a tree or something - but then I wouldn't have been allowed to touch his chainsaw.
JOY: OMG, a chainsaw!
HZ: Oh, my dad loves his chainsaw, yeah.
JOY: <psycho music>
HZ: Not like that; you would never besmirch it with human flesh, it would clog the chain! God, Jenny.
JOY: Oh my god. My mistake.
HZ: Have some respect for the implement!
HZ: Veronica's playing with the stapler, partly as a sign of rudeness and partly so she can swap it with a spy stapler! Is there an office supplies catalogue has identical models of the most common stationary items but with cameras in?
JOY: And had Veronica noted what kind of stapler she had before? Like on a previous trip to Miss James’s office?
HZ: I admire the research.
JOY: The important questions of our times.
HZ: And also does it function as a real stapler?
JOY: Oh, great question.
HZ: I suppose it must, because otherwise it would arouse suspicion.
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JOY: This episode is anti-guitarist propaganda. This is very offensive representation of the guitar playing community. This guitar store - okay, if you're not watching along with us for some reason, let me just paint you a picture. Helen, they’re at a guitar store - listen, they are in the fifth circle of hell. If you're a musician and you're like, “Wow, I love being a musician but man, it is sure difficult to go to Guitar Center” because there's always like somebody playing ‘Stairway to Heaven’ as loud as they possibly can poorly and then somebody across the the store plugged into a different amp playing fucking Free Bird - it's a sonic nightmare. And this guitar store takes that idea and - to nod in the general direction of Spinal Tap - turns it all the way up to 11! There's like 100 dudes around, it's basically a chug chug a circle jerk of 10 dudes standing in a circle playing <metal riff>. Why would this happen? Also! Also, there's this mural behind the register, that eventually the guitar store guy comes out and talks to them in front of, that's kind of like a D&D/fantasy/Megadeth album cover of like a sort of like Conan the Barbarian meets a Minotaur kind of thing and he's like shirtless and he has a guitar and his arms in the air and like there's probably like lightning and mountains and shit behind him. I just - Helen. Helen, Helen. Did you see it?
HZ: Jenny. Are you ok?
JOY: I'm not okay.
HZ: Do you need me to call a medic?
HZ: At Mars HQ, Keith and Aaron are having some coffee. Keith asks Aaron to pull a file out which he's got tucked into his armpit, which I found really cute. But I was wondering also whether Keith had a kind of game plan of informality with Aaron and cosseting him a bit where he's like, "So, you fucked someone that's not your wife, but my memory is not so good, either. So it doesn't matter that you lied to me."
JOY: Aaron seems like somebody who's gonna lie to make himself look better, until he doesn't have the opportunity to do so but still wants to feel good about himself. So I think the trick to getting Aaron's to cop to stuff is give him soft ways to backpedal for sure.
HZ: Keith is very smart. Then he's like, "I'm not going to tell Lynn that you cheated, because you didn't hire me to tell you that you cheated, she hired me to protect you. So here's a list of people who were at the Casablancas Halloween party. Can you circle the people that you slept with?" And Aaron's like circle circle circle and Keith's like, "No just the people you slept with whilst at the party." Amazing. And Aaron's like, "Ooof. I was on the hard cider." Now, anyone who's been 15 years old in Britain can identify.
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HZ: Have you heard the word ‘mooncalf’ before, Jenny?
JOY: I haven't, should I have?
HZ: Well, it's a derogatory term for stupid people.
JOY: Really? What a strange choice!
HZ: Yeah, but it derives from a word from the 1500s that meant an abortive foetus of a cow or a farm animal. Because at the time, there was the thought that a malformed foetus was the result of the moon having a malign influence on foetal development. And it was just like a fleshy mass, like Duncan Kane. Why would you name your cult after an abortive cow foetus?
JOY: Yeah, this is a very strange choice now that you're giving me some context. before that I was just like “how sweet, how nice”.
HZ: Yes, it is quite a pretty name until you know what it means. And then it sucks.